who's on judge mathis today? #9

a books/snacks/softcore mini letter

plaintiff: tom from rolling prairie, indiana. tom is wearing a fitted button down, untucked. he also has a dashing white beard. and he’s carrying an accordion folder, which has fooled me more than once now, so i’m skeptical.

defendant: joyce from rolling prairie, indiana. she has cool earrings and long red hair with thick, enviable bangs, and she looks like she does not give a FUCK.

the complaint: tom is suing his ex-girlfriend, who he says didn’t want to have sex anymore and just wanted to be friends. i wasn’t paying close attention at first so i thought that was the reason he was suing her and almost picked up the phone to call my fucking lawyer.

what does he want: $2332 for a jeep and tires, which is much less exciting than “for friendzoning me.”

how it went down: tom says he was respectful and didn’t start having sex with joyce until after their second date when they went to a fair where he bought her a bunch of stuff. a couple months after that date she said she wanted to just be friends. he says he wishes she would have told him that before he bought all that stuff. isn’t it wild how men will do you? what the fuck can you buy at an indiana county fair? you’re mad i won’t fuck you after you bought a funnel cake and a pork chop on a stick, my guy?!
joyce says she cut off the sex simply because tom wasn’t good at it. I HEAR YA, SISTER. i’m not great in bed either, which is why i don’t sue people on daytime television. she says tom became very possessive the longer they dated, that he would get mad when he didn’t know where she was and wouldn’t immediately return his calls. tom says that isn’t true, and joyce said he would call multiple times a day but she wouldn’t know because she never had her ringer on. i’m a non-ringer person, mostly because no one is ever calling me to say anything good, but also because having my phone ring in public is extremely embarrassing.
okay look, i listened to the explanation about this jeep payment 137 times. and i still don’t understand it. apparently they went to buy a car for her father? and joyce needed tom’s help? but the jeep also needed tires? so tom bought tires for it, too?! and she said her father was going to pay tom back. or something like that. wait, ok. in joyce’s version she needed a jeep and tom offered to help her get one and her father was never part of the equation and not going to pay him back. we’ll never know this for sure but what do you want to bet that they wouldn’t be in court today if she’d never cut him off? i mean, he doesn’t seem averse to putting a down payment on some loving, what with all the candy apples and hayrides he paid for at the fair and all. i’m not saying i’d have sex with this dude for a jeep, but i am saying i’ve had sex for less.
AND NOW WE GET OUR FIRST EVER EXPERT WITNESS TESTIMONY. james, tom’s friend, was at tom’s house when he was putting shocks on the jeep after he bought it, and he heard joyce say that she appreciated tommy buying her the jeep and her dad was going to do everything in his power to get him the money back.

the ruling: greg is fucking pissed. joyce is claiming not to remember saying any of the things james testified to, despite having been there when he said she was. the judge hates liars and says that when there’s not enough evidence to prove a case he has to go with who he believes, and that feels kind of illegal to me? but i’m sure “rulings based on greg’s gut instinct” is buried in the fine print of whatever waiver these poor jerks signed. at the last second tom pulls out faded, wrinkled proof that joyce once gave him $50 toward the tires from a maintenance check her ex-husband gave her, which i wouldn’t try in the supreme fucking court but is most certainly acceptable here.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: when joyce starts telling her side of the story she says that tom was bad in bed, then greg cuts her off to ask tom “well, how was she?” and my bottom jaw shattered from the force of it falling against my breast plate when tom, looking very pleased with himself, responded “i thought she enjoyed it because she was bringing the word of god into the situation, shouting ‘oh god! oh god!’” then the judge said, “SHE WAS OBVIOUSLY PRAYING,” and now i’m a corpse!

*bangs gavel*