who's on judge mathis today? #90

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: lamont from lake forest, north carolina. lamont is tall and his head is shaved almost bald, which is an important detail because he is clearly just using his face as a blank canvas for these SPECTACULAR GLASSES he is wearing??? i live and breathe for a bold eyewear choice and baby these are it: heavy black acetate in an oversized square shape that make this man look like a cartoon character and i love it. i mean, if you have to suffer the indignity of wearing a seeing apparatus on your face every miserable day of your life they at least should be interesting to look at and inspire jealousy in other people, right? my first ever pair of glasses, in the fourth grade, were deep teal hexagons the size of your average satellite dish. i would kill someone to have those iconic 80s glasses back! truly before my time. lamont is also wearing a black shirt with a white tie and khakis, keeping it simple (i presume) to let the real star of his outfit shine.

defendant: johnny from raleigh, north carolina. okay so yes these are officially ~fashion dudes~ and i am absolutely here for it. johnny is dressed in a dark-blue-but-not-navy button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up (to reveal his many forearm tattoos, i know that trick) and cuffed just below his elbows with light colored fitted khakis, plus a fresh haircut and a neatly groomed goatee. his belt his coordinated with his accordion of truth™ and i, for one, appreciate that.

the complaint: lamont says that johnny is a “big dreamer” and as a result gets himself into a lot of financial binds.

what does he want: $1100 for the balance due on a loan!

how it went down: lamont says he met johnny in 2006 and they were friends and coworkers for 13 years. he says he looked up to him as a leader and a professional and says johnny is his homeboy, his “man fifty grand.” oh boy, dudes like this really make me miss talking to my dad, a man who mostly spoke in pimp riddles. to be clear i do not miss the emotional and financial hardship he brought to my life, i mostly just want someone to call me on the phone and shout “time is money and you’re running short on both ends” while i play with legos.

okay so lamont says johnny is a “big dreamer” and i can’t wait to find out what that means. lamont says he was staying with johnny in september and he came home and johnny’s car was sitting on bricks because he sold the tires and rims to fund some new scam. they don’t say what the scam is (UGH) and then greg interjects with a story about his homeboy who would quit his job every time he “found a little band playing on the corner” and try to make that band famous, except the odds of musical superstardom are a million to one so it never worked out and he’d have no musician and no money. i hope this story is from the past because the judge could very easily make one of those discoveries the house band for the show. i know that sounds dumb but also...maybe it doesn’t!

johnny says that he was a manager when he and lamont started working together and when lamont started he wanted to be a manager, too. so johnny helped him! and he got him into IT management!! isn’t it nice when people are friends? i love when people don’t sabotage each other! you can tell greg is proud of these dudes. johnny says that even though lamont is trying to make it sound like he wanted to be a singer or something johnny’s “dreams” were actually all businesses he wanted to fund. he started a nonprofit in 2009 whose objective was to teach teenagers financial literacy and how to build a resume and, uhhhhh, a lot of us could use that help as adults so hats off to him. that business didn’t generate income, so he started other businesses to offset the cost of all the work he was giving away. johnny lists some of the businesses but trust me it’s boring, but they’re all do-gooder organizations and that’s nice!

okay greg is giving a lecture about poverty and factory jobs leaving detroit and how the city went to hell as a result, and baby it is long. he loves to give a history lesson almost as much as he likes to brutally come down on someone and i would die for him, BUT: can you imagine this dude speechifying at you every time you forgot to mow the lawn or turn in your math homework?? EXHAUSTING.

finally, the loan: lamont loaned johnny $1500 and johnny said he would repay him in two days. listen, you’re a fool if you think someone is going to pay you back in a couple days, because unless they need bail money or an emergency black market kidney what’s the difference in using my money on monday vs using your own money on wednesday? either i’m gonna give you the money knowing i’m not gonna see it back in my pocket in months-to-years, or we’re both gonna sit tight for two days and wait for you to get it yourself. of course two days turned into two more days, which turned into two weeks, and then two more weeks after that. after six weeks johnny sent lamont $400 of the loan. see???

the ruling: johnny says that he was under the impression that the money lamont had given him was a gift and that he has no idea where the “two days” came from. i, too, ask for money while in a fugue state that immediately erases the terms of the agreement from my mind, so i understand. johnny says lamont hit him up about getting the money back because he was planning a trip to las vegas, and he was shocked because they’d never discussed repayment of the $1500. all my friends are fucking bums, but a few of them have businesses, and anyone with a business friend should know from the jump that whatever money you give that person? go on ahead and just consider that an investment and call yourself a silent partner, because lmao you are never getting that money back!

johnny says he felt bad because lamont couldn’t afford to go to vegas, but he felt more bad because lamont didn’t ask him to go! “of course he didn’t ask you, you’re broke!” greg hollers, and amen to THAT. you can’t invite a dude who owes you money on a trip. first of all, how can he afford to go to vegas if he can’t pay you back and second, you already know that you’re gonna have to front every buffet or sigfried and roy show or whatever the fuck you do in vegas for him. every time you’re like, “okay bye, gonna go see celine dion!” and ol boy is moping in his room like “man, i wish i was going to see celine dion” and giving you the big puppy dog eyes? no one is immune to that! you want your friend to have fun! so now you’re paying for two rooms at the bellagio and two front row tickets to see gaga and two drive-thru elvis weddings and sorry bro but you’re not invited!!!

the judge asks johnny what he needed lamont’s “gift” for and he says “to keep moving forward.” then greg says if he needed the money for his business so much why would he “give” it to someone to go on a vacation? lamont has some printed out text sheets™ in which johnny did offer to pay the money back in two days, which johnny says he completely forgot. i got that broke people memory loss, too! we should see a doctor about this condition! judgment, of course, for the plaintiff.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “stop begging white people to do for you what you won’t do for yourself! start a business in your community and hire your own folk! i applaud you. and white folks should applaud that, too!” [doyle claps harder than any white man in the history of putting two hands together has ever clapped] “so we’re not in y’all pocket!”

*bangs gavel*