who's on judge mathis today? #91

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: alnisa from brooklyn park, minnesota. alnisa is wearing a black long-sleeved tunic and kelly green pants, which i am into. but the first thing i thought about when she entered the courtroom was LET ME MOVE MY BANG, because sis has a serious shiny side swept bang situation and i am in love with it. i could never deal with bangs because i always felt like my forehead was literally melting underneath that hair curtain? so i am impressed!

defendant: freddie from brooklyn park, minnesota. first of all, love to see these two black MINNESOTANS. alright midwest representation!!!!!! freddie is wearing a light blue dress shirt that is possibly 8 sizes too big for him and a diagonally-striped pastel tie. his beard and hair are groomed for the gods, and he is carrying his accordion of truth™ like he has no idea why he even brought it. my man!

the complaint: alnisa is dating freddie’s cousin and gave him money to get her a car, which he never did.

what does she want: $1500 for a refund, the value of a dog, and emotional distress. (OH BOY) and because i haven’t been tormented in a while freddie is countersuing for $580 for house locks, a car ignition, and damaged car windows.

how it went down: alnisa says she’s known freddie for “20 some-odd years” through her boyfriend, his cousin. is common-law marriage still a thing? this is absolutely not the fucking point, but if you’ve been with someone for 20+ years and they leave, can you get half the stuff? i don’t know why i am going down this emotional rabbit hole but man oh man imagine spending two decades with a person and not having some kind of legal protection?? i have watched waiting to exhale way too many times!

alnisa says that freddie is like family and that she loves hanging out and laughing with him, but everybody knows that he’s a hothead and there’s gonna be trouble when he gets mad. greg asks “does he do it to men, too?” and apparently he’s an equal opportunity rageaholic, going after both men and women when he gets pissed off. greg asks alnisa if freddie has ever called her out of her name and she looks at him like “are you nuts” and greg asks if she’s from detroit, and alnisa says “no, but i should be.” then greg introduces his niece and her friends who are in the audience today and everybody claps! AWW UNCLE GREG, FOR REAL!!

freddie says he’s known alnisa for a while, that they’ve always had a good relationship, and they’d go out and kick it, go bowling, shoot pool, have cookouts, and just “socialize.” a man of few words, freddie is. the judge keeps prodding him and he’s basically like “yeah, i know her” and then standing there silently and it’s so funny. the producers gotta start doing screen tests!

alnisa gave freddie $600 cash to purchase a car. WHAT CAR and FROM WHERE. the shittiest car i ever had, and i’m talking glued together missing a window no heat no radio actual piece of mechanical shit, was $1500 and that was many many years ago. you can get a car for $600 now??? is it, like, a flintstone car where you just run real fast while holding up the body?????? alnisa says freddie picked her up and they went to wells fargo to get the money and he also asked her to buy him a blunt (doyle says “to celebrate,” and yeah i guess doyle really does love weed) and she did all that then he dropped her off at home. alnisa said there was no car and no phone call and no return texts over the next few days after she gave him the cash, that freddie basically vanished. finally, a couple days later, alnisa went over to his house to see what was up and freddie threatened to shoot her through the door.

freddie says “your honor that’s a lie” while giggling and greg is like “sir, are you high??” and he definitely looks like it. freddie’s convoluted side of the story goes something like this: alnisa gave him the money to get the car and on that same day he went to buy her car plus another car? he drove the one (not for her) back to his house and was in the bathroom while waiting for a friend of his to pick him up and take him back to the car lot to get the car for alnisa when she showed up at his house screaming and hollering and busted through the front door saying she wanted a refund. “not the car?” greg asks skeptically and freddie repeats that yes on the same day alnisa gave him money to get her a car she showed up at his house demanding that money back. doesn’t sound real, but okay. he then says she called the police on him and when they came he told the officer he was going to get the car and promised to drop it off at alnisa’s house in an hour. the police officer was good with that and as he was leaving a man who’d previously shot freddie (!!!) was driving up the street and alnisa allegedly went up to him and gave him freddie’s house keys (lolwat) and, i honestly don’t know, tried to convince him to shoot freddie again??? this story does not make an ounce of sense.

alnisa has the police report with her (love to see the accordion of truth™ getting some action) and while doyle is collecting the paperwork for the judge he asks alnisa if freddie is on any drugs, and when she says “yes, he pops pills like an animal,” greg cuts her off screaming, “you know i know a dope fiend when i see one!” alnisa says freddie takes ecstasy in the morning “just to get his day started” and freddie chuckles again and says “yeah, that’s very true” and i love the honesty but freddie this is court! don’t indict yourself! greg is like “oh, no wonder you can’t tell the difference between hours and days!” and alnisa says, “when you’re abbreviated you don’t know what is going on!” and yes move your bang to the side and read that again she absolutely said ABBREVIATED which is how i’m describing myself when i’m drinking from now until my final vodka mule eventually takes my life.

the ruling: the judge reads the incident report then asks freddie for evidence of the car purchase and he says he can’t provide any because he got rid of the car. umm, this is obviously not a dude who would ask for a receipt or even go to a dealership that gives you a receipt in the first place, and now that greg knows he’s on pills this case is basically a wrap. okay, so, the dog thing. alnisa and her man gave freddie $400 for a dog (which is only $200 more than the car was gonna cost, hold up can they ride the dog???) and they asked freddie to watch the dog for them because they both worked all day and he obviously just exists in a blissfully drugged-out dream state. alnisa said freddie was abusing the dog and posting pictures of the abuse on facebook (she has the printed out text sheets™ to prove it) then he sold the fucking dog one day while she was at work! i just, what in the WORLD.

greg starts ranting and raving at alnisa about trusting a dope fiend with her defenseless dog and you know what? he’s right. freddie doesn’t even know what day it is, he can’t take care of a six week old dog! i hope there’s some peta people in the audience because they’ll gather this dude up faster than the fucking CIA. anyway freddie says that it’s true that he kept the dog for a few weeks but he got tired of picking up dog poop, even though they were paying him to do it?, and he told his cousin to come get the dog and when the cousin didn’t do it fast enough his homie came over and said “cute dog!” and freddie was like “do you want it?” and his friend took the dog with him that day. this is clearly news to alnisa, who gasped and is standing there with her jaw hanging open. i’m not sure if this is better or worse news than freddie selling it but ugh i hate this.

freddie’s counterclaim is because he had to change his locks when alnisa took his keys, and even though alnisa is waving around the keys like a flag greg says freddie hasn’t proven his case and yeah i’m cool with that. let’s get this over with. alnisa’s case is granted, which we all knew seven minutes ago when dude confessed to loving pills and hating dogs, and in the hallway outside the courtroom freddie calls alnisa a “money hungry bitch,” and i bet his cousin is gonna beat his ass after he rides his dinosaur home.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “why would you give your dog to a dope fiend to watch? a dope fiends are the same as a crackhead, they have the same behavior: crack-ish behavior. it’s just easier to say ‘crack-ish’ behavior than ‘dope-ish’ behavior!”

*bangs gavel*

sometimes i write books!