plaintiff: rebecca from las vegas, nevada. oh no, this outfit. first of all, her accordion of truth™ is blocking a lot of it, which i appreciate because as you know i am all about business, but what i can see is devastating. okay she has on, like, a neon sky blue (i do not know the word for this color, i am so sorry) camisole with the lacy edge at the top? you know what it is! and over it she’s wearing, uh, let me just describe it like an idiot: dark grey blazer, wide collar/lapel, cropped but also buttoned, puffy cap sleeves. READ THAT AGAIN. i am flummoxed by this article of clothing, truly gobsmacked. first of all, why not just wear a vest, why wear an extended vest with a cap sleeve? it is so short that there are a good six inches of neon sky blue camisole coming from under it, and not to take away from the beauty of this woman but i need to know why this piece of clothing exists and for whom!
defendant: BITCH I JUST THREW MY FUCKING TELEVISION OFF THE ROOF OF MY HOUSE WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING HERE. i’m clearing out the DVR like a responsible adult, so i truly have no idea who/what is coming next. on youtube you can see both litigants and read a description of what’s going down to fully brace yourself, but on the television it’s 100% chaotic. so the voiceover man is like “rebecca rented a room from this guy and eventually fell in love with him and they got engaged and he put her out,” and i’m looking at rebecca, who is lovely and young and has meticulously styled hair, and i am expecting, i don’t know, not a hunk but like a regular, average, good-looking white guy. you know, like a jerry o’connell or something? the kind of dude where you’re like “okay yes, i would love to press myself against your soft belly while you cry on me about the stock market” but he’s not so overwhelmingly handsome that you would run away screaming. if i met chris evans i would, i don’t know, stuff a shoe in my mouth until i choked to death? but if jason bateman asked me to blow him upon first making my acquaintance i would say “okay, i can probably do that.” that is who i expect to come barreling through the courtroom doors, an affable 40-something guy who gets his hair cut at sport clips but occasionally shops at the fancy wine and cheese store. the defendant in this case, the man rebecca fell in love with, is wild: he looks exactly like weird al except older, meaner, and sporting a straight-banged mullet. my man must be either rich as fuck or slinging some DACK because you could line up one million men for me to guess rebecca’s ex-fiancé from and i guarantee you he would be choice number one million. wow!
the complaint: rebecca is suing her ex-fiancé (albert, also from las vegas, i’m still in fucking SHOCK) for an illegal eviction, moving costs, and emotional distress.
what does she want: $5000. albert is countersuing rebecca (dear god, please) for $5000 for a tummy tuck. i am already ready to tap out.
how it went down: rebecca begins by saying she posted an ad on craigslist looking for housing and stated what she could afford and what she was looking for and albert answered her ad. the smile on greg’s face right now? ABSOLUTELY BEATIFIC. he truly cannot believe his good fortune on this here day to be deciding a case between these two incongruous people. albert answered the ad then later texted rebecca to ask if she wanted him to pick her up so she could see the house and she said yes (is there no murder in las vegas, or) and she says the house was very nice. albert told her “if you’re with me you can have all of this and more” (what’s the more??) and her response was “you’re 900, i’m not gonna be with you i just want to rent the room.” okay, but i...i just...ex-fiancé...? let me shut the fuck up!
rebecca says she was in a halfway house at the time and oh okay i fucking get it now. rebecca says she told albert that she had a boyfriend in a different town (mm hmm) and then she actually starts tearing up while saying that the second time they met he took her shopping and to get her nails done. what in the fuck is going on here? she says she knew he was interested and didn’t feel any guilt about him taking her out and spending money on her (WOMEN’S RIGHTS), especially since she had just spent three years in prison. excuse me?????????? not to judge a book by its beautiful blow out and barrel curls, BUT: knock me over with a fucking feather! prison???
albert told rebecca to break up with her boyfriend to be with him and she starts crying again and am i in the twilight zone? is this what money can buy you?! the judge asks what the tears are about and rebecca very melodramatically says “i don’t know how you go from loving someone in the morning to kicking them out at night.” wait, the continuity in this cursed case is all fucked up, when did he tell her to dump her boyfriend and when did she move in with him and when did he kick her out? she’s so busy manufacturing tears that she’s fucking the story up. thank god greg is here to shepherd us along! he asks rebecca how soon she moved in with albert (four days after meeting him) and whether or not she planned to pay any rent (she absolutely the fuck did not) and whether or not she fell in love within those first four days (no, but she was “bedazzled” by the nice way albert was treating her). i am agog. is her definition of love different than mine?
albert says after the day they met he picked up rebecca at a gaming bar, where she wasn’t supposed to be because she was on parole, and he took her to his house and she liked it. the next day he picked her up and brought her to his house where she watched tv all day while he worked. (i’m into this arrangement 1000%) when she finally got the paperwork from the halfway house approving her new residence albert picked her up and as a formality told the halfway house people the rent was $300 a month. albert was looking for a live-in girlfriend who could help him due to his health issues, because the year before he’d had pneumonia and had been in a coma. albert says that when rebecca told him she had a boyfriend he said “well that’s not going to work because i’m looking for a live-in girlfriend” and rebecca responded “okay, i’ll break up with him.” this must be some fucking house!
greg asks albert “when did y’all fall in love?” and with a quickness albert replies “oh, i was never in love.” imagine bringing this shambling ass dude on television, admitting to being with him and falling for him, then having him embarrass you like this???? nah you can keep that money, babe! i’d rather die! rebecca says she was in love and told albert as much all the time. albert reiterates that he wasn’t in love and says they were never engaged, that rebecca just stole his ex-girlfriend’s ring and started wearing it and referring to herself as his fiancee. he says that she would tell him men would hit on her when they’d go out gambling because she’s so pretty and she needed a ring as man repellant (thank GOD i am UGLY and can gamble in PEACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!) so he said okay and let her wear the ring on nights they would go out and she just kept it. i am sobbing, what is going on here.
rebecca says, again with the oscar-caliber waterworks, that she and albert were only together for two months and ten days, and the first six weeks were great. then she started noticing he was becoming rude to her and calling her names, belittling her, and trying to control her. that fucking tracks. albert says that on the afternoon rebecca left (permanently? i’m not sure) he was in the backyard and she came out with a glass of wine and he asked her what she was doing because she didn’t even like his wine and also shouldn’t be drinking while out on parole. this anecdote doesn’t have much to do with anything (yet), and albert pivots to say that he thought rebecca was using him, especially after he paid for her to get a tummy tuck, which he did 2-3 weeks before she left. okay we’re back to rebecca, who is reading from a bunch of printed out text sheets™ about how in love with him she was, which i imagine is to prove she wasn’t using him? greg starts reading the texts aloud, which are extremely embarrassing so i will spare your precious eyeballs.
we’re trying to get to the eviction but it still isn’t clear what day and why he put her out? like, was it the day rebecca started saying she and her friend went to the movies? or was it the day albert was in the yard with the wine? we are already on our second commercial break and i still don’t know shit about why we’re here! greg asks albert about the “illegal eviction” rebecca is claiming and albert says “in order to evict someone they have to be paying rent and she never paid a dime.” i don’t think that’s true? like, don’t you get evicted for not paying? isn’t that what an eviction basically is??? apparently rebecca went out dancing with her homegirl at a bar, which was a violation of her parole, and when albert reminded her of that she said “i do what i want” and i guess what she wants is to go back to jail. later that night she texted him from the club (i absolutely refuse to believe that this is a man who texts, omg) that she was gonna be home late and albert replied “if you like where you are and who you’re with, STAY THERE” which is a dad move if i’ve ever heard it.
the ruling: greg tells albert that, just like any other landlord, if your tenant doesn’t pay rent you have to go to court to get them out, so what he did was indeed an illegal eviction. the text...was the eviction? i’m lost! rebecca says she needs emotional distress money because she was kicked out a week after the tummy tuck and it was hard to find a place to stay with seventeen inches of stitches in her belly. oof, my goodness. also she never planned to pay albert for the surgery because she was earning $490 a month at the time and he knew that. albert says he never would have paid for the surgery in the first place if she hadn’t told him she would give him $1500 as a down payment from her savings, which he assumed she had without having been shown any proof, but they never had a written agreement so his case is dismissed. and because rebecca was officially a tenant, whether she was his girlfriend or not, the eviction was illegal and why not throw in the moving fees and pain and suffering because listen, we’ve already been at this for 25 minutes and greg obviously has places to be. judgment for the plaintiff!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: greg, nakedly astonished: “what did you do, doc? you are the man. MY GOD. you are something else!” albert: “thank you.” greg again, still in unbridled disbelief: “this woman refused you for three days, then you said, ‘call the boyfriend and tell him i’m the captain now.’ and she did it???”
holy shit bitch, they put this one online! please, and i am saying this with my whole chest, click this immediately!