plaintiff: kia from mobile, alabama. omg the name kia just made me think about this time a few years ago when kirsten and i stopped by this kia dealer during their, like, “doorbuster sale” or whatever the fuck they call it when they pretend that you can get a car for a reasonable price? anyway the salesmen were such weird scumbags and i knew almost immediately that we weren’t gonna get a car from them and we went on the most awkward test drive of all time and then, back at the dealership, i told the one guy we needed to “think about it” and he was like “NO PLEASE YOU CAN’T LEAVE” and long story short we got trapped in this office by three dudes in work polos until finally i faked like i was gonna puke and we ran out. they left me pleading voicemails for weeks after that. anyway, stan honda.
defendant: kia is so cute in her little black dress and lashes and braids pulled up into a topknot! cedric from mobile, alabama is the defendant, and he is bald with a salt-and-pepper beard and is wearing a dark grey dress shirt with light grey slacks and a black belt. he’s cute, but he’s not carrying an accordion of truth™ so i gotta dock some attractiveness points. around here preparedness = sex appeal!
the complaint: kia is suing her ex-boyfriend for some stolen money.
what does she want: $2683!!
how it went down: kia says she met cedric in 2000 and she was young and in love so they had two children together. thank god i have never been young! or in love!!! before she had their son in 2005 kia noticed that cedric was spending a lot of time with their neighbor across the hall. not just hanging out but, you know, going for long drives and shit? plus he would “keep her car and her cell phone overnight???” guillotine! kia was suspicious and so were her family and friends. anyway, at the time she was pregnant with their son kia noticed that the neighbor across the hall was pregnant, too. i just said UH OH so loud i woke the cat up and i bet she will never forgive me for interrupting her precious 97th nap of the day!
kia had asked cedric if he and the neighbor were seeing each other and he’d denied it, but when she saw that the woman was pregnant she asked him again if he’d been seeing her and asked whether or not that was his baby. again, more denials. one night he brought the neighbor’s phone over to kia’s apartment and her suspicions were confirmed when she found cedric’s mom’s phone number listed under “baby’s grandmother.” okay, this is fucking tragic, but also is this a plot from a christian stage play? “baby’s grandmother??????” why not just “loretta” or “anita” or whatever his mother’s actual name is? i know pregnancy destroys your brain but does it erase the capacity to remember a name from it?? is there a universe in which one cannot remember the given name of the grandmother of her child?????? this has to be a fucking set up, right?!
kia, my new hero, packed his shit up right then and there and drove it to the neighbor’s baby’s grandmother’s house and dumped him on the spot. good riddance to bad rubbish, EXCEPT: they currently have 14- and 15-year-old children together. as one could probably guess, cedric is not a very good father. kia says cedric “lives for fun and lives for the moment” and he just hangs out and “does business ventures” and doesn’t have time for the kids. he also doesn’t have any money.
cedric says that kia is a great parent but she sucks at co-parenting. oh boy i can’t wait to hear this. greg interrupts to ask if it’s true that he got the neighbor pregnant and cedric admits that it is, then he admits that it happened three more times after that, and now greg is going in for the motherfucking kill. he asks cedric if he has a job and if that job pays enough to take care of six children. cedric says “barely.” then greg asks kia if cedric has been paying child support, which, you already know he has not. greg asks cedric why he hasn’t been paying child support and cedric says “because [he] was never ordered by a judge to.” and here comes the lecture to end all lectures. “they didn’t order you to have sex with your neighbor, and get your neighbor pregnant in the same apartment as your woman and the other children! they didn’t order you to have all these children you can’t take care of because you haven’t worked! they didn’t order you that! so why they gotta order you to pay for all these children you’ve produced! is that what you need?” *bangs gavel* “YOU’RE ORDERED NOW.”
september 2018 cedric and the kids he has with kia were in a car accident. everyone was okay, and since cedric wasn’t at fault he sued the person who was (on behalf of himself and both the children) and he won a judgment. since kia is the primary custodian she was supposed to receive the children’s portion of the settlement. well, she never did. and then she started seeing cedric around town looking like the rockstar he proclaimed to be, wearing new clothes and jordans and yo put this dude in hell!
kia called him and asked if he’d received the money and cedric said he hadn’t. then kia, ever suspicious of this proven liar, called the lawyer who represented him and her children and he said that her daughter had been awarded $1561.68 and her son received one for $1021.68. she asked cedric again and again he told her that he hadn’t been paid. violence is never the answer, BUT: she doesn’t have any cousins or anything who could run up on this dude??? THIS IS EGREGIOUS.
the ruling: kia gives the printouts the attorney sent her to the judge and i’m wondering why cedric even came to court today? this is gross! he stole money from the children he’s paid no money their entire lives to support???? man, fuck this fucking guy. greg is outraged and asks why he didn’t give them their money and cedric said he spent it because it was in his name, and he’s laughing as he says it! greg says he’s ordering cedric to pay child support, and if he doesn’t pay everything he’s owed for fifteen years (ummm?????) in ninety days he’s going to recommend that the family court judge lock! him! up! cedric keeps laughing and the judge says “see? i knew he was a crackhead! well you won’t smoke this one up, judgment for the plaintiff!”
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: kia: “he’s a self-proclaimed rockstar!” greg: “oh, he smokes crack???”