who's on judge mathis today? #97

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: takiyah from maywood, illinois. takiyah is wearing all black with a retina-searing neon pink hastily-buttoned cardigan over it, the kind of thing you throw on when you realize you’re wearing an inappropriately revealing titty-shirt but it’s too late to run back upstairs and change before your meeting with two nuns, some kindergarteners, and your very conservative grandfather. takiyah has brought shiny hair, hoop earrings, and an accordion of truth™ into battle with her today.

defendant: marquez from maywood, illinois. marquez has hopped on the men-in-cozy-sweaters train and CHOO CHOO, BABE. he’s wearing a navy shawl collar sweater over a white dress shirt and his long dreads are pulled back in a ponytail and he kind of has, dare i say it, a marshawn lynch kind of vibe? this is not relevant to literally anything at all but i would risk my entire skittles rainbow for marshawn. beast mode, indeed!

the complaint: takiyah is suing her ex-boyfriend for credit card bills and emotional distress.

what does she want: $3500. the voiceover man says that marquez abused takiyah for the five years they were together and he somehow has the nerve to be countersuing her for $1000 for emotional distress??? this is gonna be a lot, and not in the good way!

how it went down: greg starts the proceedings with a sigh. “back hurts. i’m old now. 21 years? when i first started i was running up here, jumping! now i’m moving all slow.” okay this is selfish as hell, BUT: he’s not gonna quit doing this, is he? now that i finally found my life’s purpose recapping these cases on his show? my stomach just fell out of my butt, come on, greg! we’re just getting started!!!

takiyah says that she and marquez dated for five years and have a 3 year old daughter together, and throughout their relationship he was physically abusive and a chronic cheater. lmao it’s a wrap, greg is gonna gather homeboy up with a quickness! you cannot be in his courtroom beating on women, sir. you should’ve just paid her what you owed! january 2017 marquez was mad at takiyah over money she wouldn’t lend him and he stole her car then came back and began to punch her in her eye “over and over again.” grrrrrr. takiyah gives greg pictures of her eye and yeah, it’s black. she says she broke up with marquez after that incident because she was sick of the abuse and also didn’t want her daughter to grow up in that kind of environment.

takiyah is holding back tears as she talks about marquez’s continued abuse and harassment since they broke up two years ago and that reminds me: i still need to put together that pitch for my show “murder court,” where people who are obvious shitheads get “sued” by people they’ve wronged and then the hurt party gets to come on national tv and murder them in whatever fashion they choose. idk why i have been dragging my feet on this, it’s an incredible idea, someone get my agent on the phone and have him set up some meetings in hell so we can get this thing rolling.

marquez starts talking and honestly? fuck him. i’m not transcribing this! he basically chalks up his behavior to “mistakes,” and sir? a mistake is when i forgot to put the recycling on the curb and our neighbors had to spend an extra week looking at orthopedic sandals boxes piled on the side of the house, not beating a person up over and over and over and over again?????? then threatening them?????????? (ps, these are death threats!!!!!!)

takiyah and marquez got joint credit cards in his name so that he could start to establish credit, truly one of the hardest things a person could try to do as an already-old adult, a deeply humiliating process that i had to start a few years ago so i can empathize, but only with takiyah for having to help him through that. anyway they used the card on joint household expenses, and once they split she continued to pay the minimum balance due on the card because she wanted to do what was right. real question: is takiyah a saint? earlier she mentioned that she wanted to find a way to coparent with dude and i’m sorry but if you blacken my eye sir, this baby is mine only, she no longer has a dad. a miracle, just like the baby jesus!

marquez says he doesn’t understand why he’s being sued because the cards are in his name and you know what? who cares! basically all takiyah wants is 1/2 of the charges they accrued together before they split up, which is honorable because his name his problem if you ask me. my credit score isn’t going down if you don’t pay on those cards we ran up together, yours is. i understand she wants to do the right thing but do you think she’s ever heard of doing the petty one?

the ruling: marquez starts screaming and shit and i’m not listening to that. greg asks what his counterclaim is for and he says “i’m suing her because she’s suing me” and yes, that made me laugh! finally someone who admits the obvious!!!!!! marquez is loudly trying to argue his case and greg is like “sir, you’re a woman-beater, i’m not going to believe anything you say” and, well, duh! marquez has some printed out text sheets™ with him in court today saying they show proof that takiyah was asking him for money but um...that’s just more proof that he owes her?

anyway, y’all know who won. i’ll leave you with this final tirade, from gregory: “you’re a lame woman-beater, that’s what you are! stop beating women! stop beating women! you’re embarrassing yourself! your boys see you on TV today they gon laugh and talk about you! they’ll say ‘yeah he’s the chump of the neighborhood, we know that.’ i bet they rob you every day, don’t they? they rob you even when you don’t have nothing! they probably give you money just so they can take it back!”

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “i was just wondering because you’re doing all this beating on her, threatening her, jumping on her; you ain’t doing nothing to a man because you scared of a man. that’s usually the case with woman-beaters!”

*bangs gavel*