who's on judge mathis today? #98

a books/snacks/softcore daily (not this week, sorry!) mini letter

plaintiff: kembrell from chicago, illinois. alright alright alright, kembrell is wearing the shirtdress of my dreams (if i were the type of person who would wear either a shirt or a dress): forest green with ivory pinstripes, structured yet floaty, cinched by a matching belt at the waist yet cut low enough for cleavage. a literal dream garment! her hair is in one of those braids that wraps around your head like a crown, and her accordion of truth™ is bound tighter than her waistband.

defendant: corrina from chicago, illinois. sweet home chicago. man oh man i miss being home but let me tell you something: it is much, much easier to be socially distant when you gotta drive your tractor past cow farms and grain silos and shit to get to the fucking supermarket. the other day as we were the only car waiting in the curbside pickup line outside the only fancy wine store in a thousand mile radius (give or take) to get kirsten’s preferred chilean wine, i was like “if this was chicago some assholes would literally be crawling on the hood to beat us to the white claw.” i haven’t seen people outside in weeks! the other day an entire family of deer were just chilling in the backyard at dusk staring me down like “bitch, excuse me??????” when i dared to go get some shit out of the garage. a family of mallards was camped out in front of our house like they pay rent last week!! anyway, corinna has long magenta hair and is wearing a tan v-neck sweater, and i hope everyone is holding up ok even though we live in hell!

the complaint: kembrell says her boyfriend has a child with corinna and, ever since they started dating, the defendant has been trying to fight her.

what does she want: $1900 for emotional distress and stolen property. countersuit filed OKAY LET’S FIGHT: corinna would like $1500 for emotional distress because kembrell hit her in the eye with a brick. hello???

how it went down: kembrell met corinna when she first started dating corinna’s baby’s father, bobby, and corinna came over to either drop the baby off or drop some of the baby’s stuff off? it’s unclear! anyway kembrell and her friend were sitting in the front room of bobby’s house, corinna came over, saw them, took her shoes and clothes off (and got in bobby’s bed?????) and when she wouldn’t leave, kembrell and her friend decided that they should. bobby called kembrell later and told her that he and corinna had broken up pretty recently, so without hearing any of the other evidence i’m gonna wager that this beef is all on him!

okay this next part is confusing but i think i got it well enough to summarize: kembrell had moved in with bobby but also had her old room at her mom’s. bobby went to jail on an unrelated charge. corinna needed a place to stay, so she moved into bobby’s house without clearing it with anyone first? and kembrell was like “okay you have a kid i’ll leave” and left corinna and the kid in bobby’s apartment. bobby got out of jail and maybe corinna was still staying at his place? again, the timeline and arrangements are unclear! i’m also not sure what this has to do with anything!

corinna looks pissed. kembrell tells another story and honestly this one is confusing, too. the gist of it is that corinna regularly tries to fight kembrell, seemingly unprovoked, because kembrell says corinna is “jealous” that kembrell is dating bobby. you already know how i feel about shit like this, that fighting over a man is pointless. like i said in that piece: “i have never been embroiled in emotional combat with one of my homegirls over a dude because LOL WHAT IS THE PRIZE. have you dated a man before!? that's like arguing over who gets to fistfight a possum inside a dumpster.” you are better off doing literally anything else!

corinna’s version of their initial meeting goes something like this: she went to bobby’s house to drop off the child and kembrell was there, and bobby lied to her and said that kembrell was “his gay roommate,” and basically he’s been lying to them both the entire time and see what the fuck i’m talking about??? of course that’s what he did! SOMEBODY SUE HIM. corinna says that she and kembrell have gotten into several altercations over bobby, starting after kembrell added her on facebook (why!), and boy i’d like to meet this fine young man because from the sounds of it he must be fucking dynamite! two women regularly attempting to beat each other’s asses over him? i mean, he must be the total goddamn package! where is he? oh, what’s that? he couldn’t bother to come to court today to support either his current girlfriend or his last one with whom he shares a child? a swell guy like this??? imagine my surprise!

these young women are 20 and 23 respectively, and i hate to admit this but i think something just changes in your brain when you get old and the words that young people say don’t even make sense to me anymore? or maybe i simply don’t understand a dude punching his kid’s mom in the face because she dropped the kid off with another man in her car, despite the fact that his girlfriend was inside his house at the time? so in this incident, separate from the last incident, but still not the incident that kembrell is actually suing her over: corinna dropped off the kid, bobby punched her in the face, she fought him back and kembrell jumped in, then kembrell hit corinna in the eye with a brick. (did the baby throw hands or was she just sitting there being a baby or what???) corinna called the police and both kembrell and bobby were arrested, and what’s wild is that kembrell brought corinna to court today??? how do you sue your brick assault victim!!!!!

the ruling: okay maybe i missed something here with my old people eyes and ears or the editing on this case got me fucked up, but kembrell must’ve slipped greg some printed out text sheets™ earlier and now he starts reading these exchanges between corinna and kembrell where corinna is like: “let’s fight.” “let’s fight.” “let’s fight!” and kembrell isn’t taking the bait. apparently i also missed the part where corinna chased bobby down to instigate the fight? i don’t know what the laws are regarding whether or not you get to punch somebody for following you in a car, and i don’t really understand why but corinna’s case is dismissed and kembrell’s is granted (she never once explained what she is suing for, hilarious) and the last seconds of the episode when doyle is frantically trying to shove kembrell’s printed out text sheets™ back into her accordion of truth™ are so funny i screamed.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “did you tell your daughter you like to fight? and that you initiated fights? and that you followed him over there to start fighting? tell her that part, so she’ll know not to do what mommy does!”

*bangs gavel*

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