plaintiff: felicia from chicago, illinois. she’s wearing a fancy red shirt with cutouts at the collar and she used to be addicted to crack, and while i am thrilled for her five months of sobriety this admission makes me nervous that greg is gonna say some wild shit to her because you know how he is. she’s suing her sister for an unpaid loan.
defendant: jen from chicago, illinois. felicia’s youngest sister, who has a battered accordion folder tucked under her arm so you know it’s on. anytime i see black people from chicago walking onto this set i automatically squint to figure out whether or not i might know them; the city is truly not that big. jen says her sister is suing her for more than she owes, also she is unfamiliar to me. too bad!
the complaint: despite jen’s help and support during felicia’s addiction and recovery, felicia wants some money she loaned her sister back. i already know how this is going to go down, and i am in a full body anticipatory cringe. at some point judge mathis will make a reference to SMOKING ROCKS and it’s gonna be weird and awkward, i just know it.
what she wants: $3080, an amount my sister would have to pry from my cold, lifeless corpse girl are you fucking kidding me our mother didn’t die for me to give you literal thousands of dollars?? bye!
how it went down: felicia starts by saying up front that she grew up in cabrini green and is battling a drug addiction, which is a wise strategy on this fucking show. judge mathis will sniff out whatever your drug of choice is and chastise you for hiding it from him if you try to, and he commends her for telling the truth and being in recovery, but i’m still nervous that he’s gonna yell at her. he loves talking about crack. jen introduces herself through tears by talking about how felicia helped raise her, but also stole her rent money and food stamp card. she still loves her! it’s very touching!! the bailiff brings her some kleenex.
this is making me feel like a bad fucking person, because jen has somehow found it within her to forgive her sister for basically ruining her life, and the one time my sister made fun of my clothes i refused to speak to that dumb bitch for three years. we were adults!
the family were awarded a settlement in 2017 of over $300,000 each (please god why have i never been struck by a city bus), and jen asked for a loan of $1000 from felicia in 2018 (i’m sorry, WHAT). she burned through $300,000 in six months?! i mean i like fancy skincare as much as the next guy but holy shit. i love wasting money, but even i can’t imagine how to squander that much that quickly without getting at least a couple of luxury cars and perhaps a black market infant? greg can’t believe it either, and demands a list of things jen spent that money on before suggesting they do a drug test during the commercial break. on the sober sister. because she is a spendthrift. i would love to see the release forms they sign to be on this!
anyway felicia saw that jen needed money for her daughter’s $5000 wedding on facebook and gave her $6000, which jen agreed to pay back $200 every week. jen decided she was only going to pay her sister back $250 a month (honestly, go to jail!) but then got in a car accident and couldn’t continue the regular payments, but she’s pretty sure she’d paid $3815 of it back at the time of the accident. doyle the bailiff pulls out a calculator and calculates that if that figure is correct jen still owes $2185. this is a lot of numbers and i am very slow when it comes to mathematics. felicia counters that jen has only paid back $2920 of the money. the burden of proof is on jen. JEN PULLS OUT A BUNCH OF PAPERS. printouts of her zelle payment activity! i love a dramatic reveal!!!!!!!!!
the ruling: after the judge takes out a pen and paper and adds up all the payments she made according to the very documents she provided goddamn jen somehow proves felicia’s case against her that she hasn’t paid back as much as she said she did. listen, i know we were all taught to show our work or whatever in elementary school but come on man, you gotta at least do a quick once-over on your paperwork before you HAND IT TO A FUCKING JUDGE?? do some photoshop trickery to make it look like you overpaid, or lie and say that you paid her in cash or went half on a happy meal and applied it toward the debt, but please don’t bring the correct receipts that prove you underpaid into a court of law!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: i was worried that the old man had gone soft on me while he was giving this lovely speech about the power of forgiveness, but then he said “damn, i hope you ain’t smoked up all your money!” and i heaved a weary sigh of relief.