your funny valentine
i love you so much it makes me sick
a gift for if your valentine:
is greasy i no longer wear any kind of foundation product because i don’t go anywhere or do anything, plus i’m always slightly damp from menopause so what even is the point, i do not want tan greasepaint melting conspicuously down my cheeks and making me itchy and self-conscious every day. i’m new to the “wet your face in the middle of the day” game, but sometimes it feels good to wipe a moist towelette (lolll) across your shiny nose in the afternoon.
loves a perfect dress i have several onion dresses and every single one of them is dope as hell. i don’t wear dresses anymore because i no longer believe in the concept of “visible human legs,” but they look very chic hanging amongst the fraying sweatshirts and high-wasted elasticized jeans in my closet.
can be a little unhinged in their enthusiasm for the nba i am psychotic about basketball but even crazier about my phone case: it can’t be too silicone-y because if it gets oily i will pass away from the ick; must be opaque because i don’t want to see dirt and crumbs collecting inside it; must absorb shocks because my favorite hobby is roundhouse kicking my phone across the room. i’ve had this guy for two years (??) and he’s still going strong, just beware that if you get one every man who sees you sending a text or ordering an uber is gonna get in your face and quiz you about who your favorite hooper is. (just pointedly say, “tyrese maxey” while making steady eye contact and he will leave you the fuck alone.)
is a bookworm my favorite thing to make for myself and others is a stupid fucking bookmark. you could make a strip of lovely sentimental photos of your children or pets or, like me, you can upload collages you’ve made of naked men with enormous sweaty breasts so you get a little reward every time you open your book.
has stinky farts this room spray is absurd, i already know. don’t click it if overpriced bullshit makes you mad. for the rest of you just trying to find any small reason to stay alive, this stuff smells so good you will scream.
wants to sleep like the dead i have earplugs stashed everywhere and they are my greatest life hack to date. keep some in your bag, throw a bunch in your dopp kit when you travel, fill your bedside table with them: your life will immediately improve. they’re tiny, you don’t need to plug them in, they drown out enough noise that you feel at peace but not so much that an intruder could sneak up on you; mute your boss, your family, your snoring dog, whoever.
has gross, itchy eyes i just had my yearly eye exam and i told doctor emily (we live in a fictional hallmark town, she has never told me her last name and no one in the office uses it) that my allergy eyes are always bothering me and she told me i needed a “mast cell stabilizer” and encouraged me to get this stuff at the drugstore. it kind of hurts? and makes my eyeballs feel weird and burnt?? but at least they don’t itch, i guess!
is dehydrated, internally i’m still drinking a couple of these a day and they’re still fucking delicious, plus they just came out with a piña colada flavor, which is my kryptonite. glug glug
is dehydrated, dermatologically i’ve used nivea off and on since high school, and the dark blue bottle still feels like wet glue but it makes you look like the kind of handbag a magazine would describe as “supple” so it’s worth it.
is dehydrated, heated rivalrarily not all of the fanfic spawned by this show is good, but this one is. especially since it’s gorgeously written and full of sex and my #1 pornhub search: ROMANTIC FEELINGS.
enjoys a tossed salad i can’t get enough of this shit!!!!!! someone please send a case to my house!
would actually appreciate expensive chocolate you have to go out of your way to get one of my many brain diseases is that i must be everyone’s favorite, that i cannot continue to live unless i am your baby, unless i know that you smile every time you think of me. i just had to have a bunch of painful work done on the three teeth i have left, which meant i was in and out of both the dentist’s and the endodontist’s offices weekly for a fucking month, and at the end of it all i sent them this fancy chocolate so they’d know i’m the best patient in the whole world. i’m sure they would much rather that i floss my fucking teeth, but what’s the fun in that?
needs a juicy lip balm this stuff is real good and it costs seven dollars and it gives your lips the look of “health.”
would be into little sex books that aren’t about hockey these stories go down so easy. they’re all 150-200 pages and i’ve read each of them in one sitting, they just slide down your eyeballs like a cool drink of sexy water.
could use a rolls-royce of vaginal vibrators my friend got divorced a couple years ago and i was like “send me your new address” and she was like, “are you sending me flowers? a pizza?” and lmao no babe are you nuts, i’m sending you a box of the BEST VIBRATORS ON THE FUCKING MARKET. she’s still using them!
auntie music is back, thank god:
BBB by juvenile juvie is fine as FUCK and you can tell he fucks fat bitches, which is extremely important to me. i’m not sure if i can explain it scientifically, but you just know in your heart when a man is rapping to a lady over three hundred pounds. like, he’s not asking a size two if she “wants [her] ass smacked real hard,” you know what i mean? he’s talking to a big booty bitch, a sturdy woman he can use his dick to piledrive through a box spring and she won’t even say “ouch.” this is sex music for ladies with four bra hooks!!!!!!!
jill scott to whom this may concern welcome back to the patron saint of the wide-hipped. jill has the most gorgeous voice in the entire universe, it’s so heartstoppingly beautiful, she will bring tears to your eyes every time you listen to her. her first record came out when i was 20? but i was lucky enough to see her a couple years before that because she was touring with the roots, singing the erykah badu part on you got me, and i was instantly smitten.
who is jill scott? changed my chemistry, experience 826+ blew my fucking mind, beautifully human blasted me into outer space. she simply cannot make a bad song, and i’m glad she has returned to us when we need her the most. my faves on the new record so far (i am listening to it constantly):
the math inexplicably makes me tear up??? all music should sound like this
pressha
offdaback
to b honest feat JID, who is amazing
a universe
this is adult lady music. this music doesn’t get her period anymore; this music carries a pocketbook, she eats dinner while the sun is still up, she was alive before the internet was widely available. this music can’t drink too close to bedtime, she wears pantyhose, she keeps a pair of whimsically-patterned readers in every room of her house, she thinks of olivia benson as a close personal friend. this music calls everybody under the age of forty “baby” or “niece;” she uses cocoa butter, she has a special friend named jerome, she has a passed-down recipe for collard greens, she goes to the actual bank. this is music you blast from the speakers of a 2022 nissan altima with a fuzzy pink steering wheel cover and a rhinestoned license plate frame. this is grown folks music!
my personal and completely subjective valentine candy ranking:
kit kat bears (fresh) the joy of any holiday candy season is is knowing that whatever novelty shape you decide to purchase hasn’t been sitting in the back of a walgreens shelf getting soft for months.
brach’s cherry jube jel hearts is this just heart-shaped bits of artificially-flavored red wax that i have to get at farm and fleet because no normal stores carry them? well, yes!
laderach frisch schoggi sticks maybe this is the most delicious chocolate i’ve ever had? months ago holly sent me some along with a bunch of edibles (this is true friendship) and my stoner ass got hooked. thank god i have to order it through the mail because that is built-in impulse control; wait?? three to five days??? FOR A SNACK????? no, thank you! anyway i gave these sticks out for valentine’s day this year and that was cute, but real luxury is buying a slab for yourself to break off a piece whenever you need a decadent, cost-prohibitive treat, which i will never do again unless i win the lottery.
any of the many dove varietals to me, the highest quality cheap chocolate you can get at the store, hands down. a hershey bar is dog food in comparison.
gummy peach hearts they’re just like the rings but heart-shaped, which makes them cuter. get your cocofloss and your waterpik ready, because they will rapidly destroy your weak, crumbling old teeth. i haven’t had one in years, because did you know i have to use prescription toothpaste now because i just had another jaw surgery? if a piece of sticky candy touches my teeth they will launch themselves from my skull.
those individually packaged russell stover marshmallow hearts you don’t need to buy a case of these unless you own a walgreens but i couldn’t find a better way to show you all the kinds!!
fererro roche in the heart-shaped novelty box these feel like crunchy dust in your mouth and the smell of hazelnuts is sometimes sickening to me, but if you get a good, recently-produced batch they can be sharp yet smooshy lil pieces of heaven.
all cherry valentine dots i’m noticing a theme here, which is that i like everything most other people find absolutely disgusting. there’s comfort in that.
a couple sexy things to watch?
love jones i have three (pivotal, foundational to who i am as a person) movie posters on my office wall: an enormous, framed poster advertising the last seduction; a canvas collage/painting depicting a bunch of shit from death proof, a masterpiece; and this beauty, printed on matte card stock and tacked up over my desk. i’ve written at length about how this movie was the blueprint for what i thought romantic love could look like at its best, and i spent many years waiting for someone to write a love poem about my literal ass as a result. still the most lush, sensual movie, still makes me wish my life had a jazz soundtrack.
unfaithful when homegirl is fucking that gorgeous french dude and slapping him in the face? when homegirl almost drives off the highway in the rain and has a jealous tantrum and forgets about her son and takes it up the ass in the dingy hallway while dude still has his coat on?? when homegirl wears her expensive lace thong and gets fucked in the bathroom while someone else is in there taking a huge shit??? nothing hotter. PLUS cucked richard gere!!!
some good melancholy-ass love songs
fool me as many times as you like daudi (gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous heartache)
are you in love? james blake
why you wanna TI
feeling for the wall meshell ndegeocello
your love is killing me sharon van etten
lines eloise
nauseous conan gray
sunshine skin jordan stephens
out my mind just in time erykah badu
close but not quite everything is recorded feat sampha
everybody here wants you jeff buckley (so slinky and sexy)
sticky rice aunt comet
some unholy war (downtempo) amy winehouse
the lengths the black keys
the three sexiest items on the chili’s menu!
unfortunately for everyone involved we spent valentine’s day with the children, which means we met them at chili’s. before you turn your nose up in disgust, consider this: THE COST OF FEEDING A TWENTY-YEAR-OLD MAN. this dude is 6'4 and built like an offensive lineman and he loves to get cute and order “the market priced fish of the day” when treated to the kind of restaurant that doesn’t have paper napkins or salt shakers on the table, and i’m not paying for that. at least not on a saturday afternoon, dressed in one of my many trashed nike hoodies!
the first time i took the boy to dinner, when he was seven (goddamn i’ve been with his mama a long time), this little shit looked at the server and was like, “i’ll have the lobster ravioli, please” and i died right there at the table and now my ghost is writing this. it was, like………………….thirty-seven dollars. i guess the rest of us will just have water??? and i let him get it too, because i’m the fucking problem.
the children and their various mates were unavailable to join us for my birthday, so instead my consolation prize was watching strangers make love to steaming plates of southwestern egg rolls on a saturday i could have otherwise spent doing fun shit on my phone.
tito’s punch okay, this shit is juice, it’s boozy kool-aid. it’s got vodka and rum and i drank two of them in rapid succession before the food even hit the table and probably could’ve been convinced to take my shirt off in the middle of the lunch rush. your girl was loose.
the triple dipper i didn’t order this but doesn’t it sound like the name of a complicated sexual position?
quesadilla explosion that’s another word for an orgasm, right? “yeah baby, make my quesadilla explode.” you hear it!!
some romance novels i’ve purchased over the past few weeks because maybe that’s all i’m gonna read now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
unrealistic expectations andie j christopher relationship therapist gets a fake boyfriend to promote her new book (should i try that?)
the prospects kt hoffman trans minor league baseball rivals in love
out on a limb hannah bonam-young limb differences, unplanned pregnancy
i’ll have what he’s having adib khorram gay sommelier + gay substitute teacher
the pairing casey mcquiston gay exes on vacation in europe
learning curves rachel lacey fat lesbians, i think? (i honestly can’t remember)
champagne kisses katherine webb fat black lady, big-dicked asian playboy
one last try jemma croft HOT gay rugby dads boning
daddy issues kate goldbeck i mean…………….you can guess
the shots you take rachel reid more gay hockey smut
the wall of winnipeg and me mariana zapata asshole football guy woos his sweetie pie former assistant
please don’t go e salvador suicidal woman/grieving man
you should be so lucky cat sebastian gay baseball in the 60s
impromptu match (goliaths of wrestling book 1) lily mayne gargoyles in an underground wrestling league who fuck!!!
yes this is all too late to be useful, BUT: what are you gonna do about it?
XOXOXO