who's on judge mathis today? #31

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: tanzania from union city, georgia. close-cropped platinum blonde curls, light eyes, freckles, black blazer, serious as a heart attack. her eyebrows are sharp enough to slice deli meat, which is a look i’m into.

defendant: danielle from riverdale, georgia. hmm miss danielle looks like a sunday school teacher: neatly coiffed hair and a prim, belted black dress with a periwinkle cardigan over it, but she only has the top button on the sweater buttoned, which is absolutely chaotic.

the complaint: tanzania dated the defendant’s witness, and says that once they broke up his new girlfriend, the defendant, started harassing her.

what does she want: $5000 for harassment and defamation, and i am nervous in advance because those are so hard to prove and greg gets so mad when people don’t have the right evidence to support those claims. can i just pause here to say that i am giving you an uncomfortable glimpse into my VERY SPECIFIC PRISON OF ANXIETY right now? my silly armpits are damp because i am worried about a stranger getting yelled at by a court tv judge, literally the second-lowest legal stakes to, oh i don’t know, pinky swearing? why am i scared! this isn’t real! countersuit: $5000 for harassment and emotional distress, and i am going to have a fucking aneurysm. there’s no way on earth either of them can win this case!

how it went down: it’s hot right out the gate. tanzania starts by saying she has over 300 emails from danielle, harassing her, and that danielle also has created multiple facebook profiles impersonating her. i got off facebook a year ago, like scorched-earth-no-announcement-left-a-pile-of-charred-bodies-in-my-wake got the fuck off facebook, and every time i hear some shit like this it just reaffirms that i made the right move. and please don’t think it was some kind of moral or political statement, i’m too dumb for that and I DO NOT HAVE ANY BELIEFS, but the noise and misery was just too much so i bounced and i have not regretted it even for a minute. except i forgot to get a lot of people’s email addresses so we could pretend to stay in contact but also no one reads their email so who cares!

as tanzania is explaining what’s on these fake profiles danielle made, the camera pans over to the dude at the heart of this bullshit. and this brother is cool as a fucking fan, man, just chilling and sitting there looking bored. do you know the level of inner calm you have to have to be half-asleep while your ex battles your current on fucking television over some shit you did?! okay i tuned out what tanzania was saying while trying to approximate the SERENITY OF JEROME but i woke the fuck up when i heard her say “she said i gave him herpes on facebook.” what the fuck are our aunties doing online?! my sister fits the profile of the fb black auntie to a T (lacefront, 60 years old, goes to church all the fucking time but still talks shit) and every single time i see her cackling at the cracked screen of her obamaphone i know she’s on that shit starting mess in the comments of a blurry-pictured gentleman named WALTER or CLARENCE and i hate it!

let’s get the backstory: tanzania and jerome dated on and off for twenty goddamn years. twenty years! twenty fucking years of the same old shit! jerome has married two other people during this twenty year span. WHY ISN’T SHE SUING HIM. isn’t wasting a woman’s time a fucking crime?! danielle interjects to say that she just met jerome a couple years ago (girl, heed these fucking warnings and GET OUT) and she had no idea who tanzania was until tanzania found her number in jerome’s phone and called her to threaten her! why!! i mean, i know why, but just one time can’t the “why are you sleeping with my deadbeat man?” call go something like:
sam: “hey sweetie, is this my boyfriend’s girlfriend?”
mbg: “mm hmm, yes it sure is.”
sam: “great. he’s been lying to us both. wanna go half on a vengeance murder?”
mbg: “pick me up after my hair appointment. let’s do this.”
THEN WE DRIVE OFF A CLIFF LIKE THELMA AND LOUISE

the ruling: this is pretty convoluted but the gist is basically that jerome has been sleeping with them both, and lying to them both, and the true solution is that they should join forces and destroy him. even greg, who sometimes isn’t as empowering as i want him to be, screams “you’re suing the wrong person!” when it is revealed that after the initial call from tanzania, jerome brought danielle over to tanzania’s house to confront her back. man is there any creature imbued with more confidence than whatever is stored in an old man’s balls? i wouldn’t want to be caught treating these women like this in private, let alone on channel 26 at 2pm! greg is sick of this stupid shit, and angrily dismisses both cases just like i knew he would.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: when pressing tanzania for the history of her on-again, off-again relationship with jerome, the judge said “how many times has he been in and out?” and the entire courtroom burst into immature giggles. i can’t even lie: BITCH, I CACKLED.

*bangs gavel*

who's on judge mathis today? #30

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

okay hi babies i missed you i love you i’m so sorry. first i got sick, then thanksgiving happened and i fucking hosted it which is a large and terrible mistake, then i went to dallas but bitch i’m back and greg never left so let’s get into it, shall we?

plaintiff: suake’via from tallahassee, florida. lmao wow i thought i was fucking smart until i tried to type TALLA-FUCKING-HASSEE. i had to double check it like three times! it looks wrong no matter how you spell it!! ok, suake’via: shiny pink dressy shirt with a little exposed cleave, glasses, beautiful natural fro, giant hoop earrings, lips and nails on point, just gorgeous. she’s got her accordion of truth™ FRONT AND CENTER.

defendant: justice from fort pierce, florida. wowie another aggressively beautiful young woman, which makes me extremely happy because it’s very satisfying to watch good looking people fight over dumb shit. does some bad shit ever happen to you in your regular, ugly person life and you just look at it like “yep, that tracks.” last week i went to buy flu-curing soup ingredients at the bougie grocery store where everything costs too much and they put all my shit in a paper bag and i gritted my teeth and pretended to be ok with it because i don’t want to get beat down in the parking lot over hating the environment, and the minute i walked out the door that shit disintegrated in my hand and i dropped 42 containers of unsalted broth on the asphalt. then i saw my melting, snot-soaked, disheveled reflection in the store window and shrugged like “sure, this is what i deserve.”

the complaint: suake’via is a makeup artist who was hired to do justice’s makeup for her wedding, for which she wasn’t paid.

what does she want: $1577 for unpaid makeup artistry services and defamation. countersuit, hoe! justice wants $2000 for the cost of a photographer and emotional distress. omg this is gonna be so good.

how it went down: so suake’via is obviously no stranger to the judge gregory mathis school of pulling oneself up by the straps of one’s boots, and she starts by telling him how she’s from a small town with zero prospects and she managed to avoid the pervasive gangs and drugs in her community and get a scholarship to pursue her dreams. greg loves that shit. if you got a redemption story, my man wants to fucking hear that shit. she’s in her third year of college, majoring in economics. GREG ACTUALLY STARTS CLAPPING. suake’via says that a couple years into college she started doing makeup to pull herself out of a depressive episode. i’m impressed!

justice says is also from a small town, and is obviously a quick fucking study. if you brought me on here and in the first six minutes got this mean motherfucker to clap for your ass i would scramble to invent a new backstory like “uhhh, i’m a 9-year-old orphan who born in a workhouse and sold into apprenticeship with an undertaker and then fell in with a group of street-urchin pickpockets led by the artful dodger. . .?” lmao fuck that shit. how can justice top that? “oh, she avoided the gangs? i got killed by one! i’m actually a ghost, judge mathis! clap for my floaty ass!!!!!!!”

justice initially hired suake’via to do the makeup for her bridal party of eleven! fucking! people! (omg) but then she dropped two of her bridesmaids and only needed her for nine. well, of course! no problem! listen, i understand as a person who served HOT DOGS at the wedding i wore FLIP FLOPS and SUNGLASSES to, that i should never be consulted about what constitutes wedding excess. honestly, do what you want. but! you cannot be surprised when a woman you hire to get nine faces together falls short on the job. i mean, i don’t even know what happened yet but as soon as i heard “nine bridesmaids” i was like “that’s a disaster!”

suake’via says that they agreed she’d do nine faces for a total of $600. she said that justice paid a deposit (i think?) and that the remaining balance of $77 was to be collected the day of the wedding. i do not understand the math but whatever. justice says that yes that was their agreement, and clears up the money part by clarifying that her bridesmaids were paying suake’via individually and a couple of them were short. THANK GOODNESS. that arbitrary ass $77 was going to drive me up a wall. justice says that she doesn’t believe she owes suake’via (even though she just admitted that she hadn’t been paid in full) because suake’via was late, she was dressed unprofessionally, she hit the blunt, and she was doing shots the entire time she was doing their makeup. my kingdom to hear judge mathis say “hit the blunt” every day for the rest of my life. someone figure out how to make it my ringtone!

the ruling: okayyyyy it’s accordion of truth time. justice has google images that she sent to suake’via of the makeup look she wanted, and bitch i’m not pat mcgrath but from what i can tell it’s just like a light beige ombre eye look with lashes. justice then hands greg a picture of her actual makeup, and she appears to have an entire gold lid and very thick black lashes. idk it looks pretty good to me? suake’via has her own visual evidence, and i’m not sure if this is misandry or not but maybe greg isn’t the best person to judge the intricacies of a glittery cut crease? like, he thinks the inner corner shadow is a mistake rather than an intentional highlight and listen dude you gotta watch a jackie aina tutorial before you try to rule on this shit, man! you don’t know what primer is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“you botched it!” greg shouts, circling the blindingly bright inner corner, and i’m doing a full body cringe because he should’ve called tyra banks or somebody to help with this one. most days all i wear is lip balm and perimenopausal neck stubble but even my dumb ass knows about and appreciates a gleaming highlight! suake’via chased justice down for this $77, to no avail, then took to facebook to complain about her. under the facebook post she made about justice being a shitty client, justice commented back and accused suake’via of having been high and late. sounds about right.

“defamation” and “emotional distress” are always longshots and today is no different. greg is not giving you money for passive aggressively going back and forth in facebook comments with a bitch, and justice tries to get that wasted photographer slash emotional distress money but suake’via has a text from justice that proves their lateness (and missed photo opportunities) were her own fault. so suake’via gets the $77 she’s owed, and all the other claims get flushed down the toilet. JUSTICE IS SERVED.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: HIT THE BLUNT. [screams]

*bangs gavel*

who's on judge mathis today? #29

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: eddie from los angeles, california. grey shirt, pained expression, very busy necktie.

defendant: jonathan from glendale, california. black sweater, carefully coiffed hair, extreme cokehead energy.

the complaint: jonathan dated eddie’s sister-in-law and inexplicably messed up eddie’s car.

what does he want: $3656 for a vandalized car. countersuit is in the building: jonathan wants $1646 for a smashed window. they both promise to introduce video evidence, which is either real great or real fucking terrible.

how it went down: eddie starts by saying he knows jonathan through his sister-in-law because they used to date, and he’s been an asshole to her so they’ve often bumped heads. i’m already perplexed because my immediate thought was “wow you have bigger problems than a car if you had to drag your brother’s wife’s boyfriend on daytime tv” but please know that i 1 am operating under a foggy cloud of cold medicine and cannot actually think and 2 do not fully understand the myriad number of ways in which people can be related to one another. it took a good three minutes of staring at the paused image on my television screen for it to work its way into my brain that eddie’s wife must have a sister who dated the defendant. tylenol sinus severe daytime caplets for non-drowsy symptom relief? do better!

eddie says that jonathan is an alcoholic who is always arguing with his sister-in-law. boy i hope he hurries up and says that woman’s fucking name because trying to type fast and coherently while inserting all these dashes is gonna mess my shit up quick. eddie is pretty tight-lipped, which is an interesting strategy for a person currently on a television show to employ, and greg is visibly irritated.

he turns to jonathan for a little pizzazz, and boy o boy does he deliver, telling the court that eddie is a real scary dude, a former METH COOK and GANG MEMBER who HATES HIM and once KICKED HIS DOG. jackpot! jonathan has even received anonymous death threats, which he believes have come from eddie and his gang friends, too. now we’re cooking with grease! jonathan pulls the printed out death threats (can you even believe this fucking show is free) from his accordion of truth™ and gives them to judge mathis to read. “eddie’s gonna kill you if you don’t give him back that three thousand,” reads the first one and listen, don’t judge a book etc etc, but the way eddie is standing stone faced while these threats are being attributed to him? oh yeah, bitch: he sent that shit.

okay so finally at this point greg yells at jonathan to stop shaking and jittering and asks eddie to fill him in on the particulars of the case. eddie says that jonathan came over to his house and accused him of scratching his car, which he had nothing to do with. he also sent messages to his wife, which eddie has courteously printed out to share with the rest of the class. the texts to his wife are so bad that the judge can’t even read them aloud! now wait a minute, if i was terrified that the friendly cartel kingpin next door was going to kill me, would i really be texting a bunch of cuss words to his old lady? you know greg’s not even having a little bit of that shit, and says if somebody called his wife all these names he’d beat his ass. (or maybe smash his car window?)

the ruling: now for the video evidence. jonathan brought his dog over to eddie’s house to attack him, according to eddie, and the entire encounter is caught on the grainiest surveillance footage i have ever seen in my life. is this legally admissible? how can greg base an accurate verdict on a blue human-shaped blob walking a vaguely dog-shaped blob who has a confrontation across the street from wherever the camera is mounted with a smaller man-sized shadow-blob who possibly cooks meth? WHAT THE FUCK AM I EVEN LOOKING AT. in the next video, which is a little clearer, we see jonathan first keying eddie’s car and then coming back to kick it. this is really fucking quaint! remember the olden days when people got mad at you and just punched your car or left dog shit on your porch? that was so sweet and manageable. nowadays you piss a bitch off and she cybercrimes your whole future away!

jonathan tries to argue that the video was taken during the day and the damage to the car occurred at night, but...we see him kick-punch the car door? like with our eyes, we just watched this asshole damage eddie’s car. “do you get high?” judge mathis asks at this point and listen y’all, i need to guest host. i called this shit at the beginning! jonathan then proceeds to admit to causing the damage, but says the damage he inflicted occurred at night. so...he did double damage? and it’s actually worse?! what is happening here.

oh my god after all this there’s still the fucking counterclaim! jonathan hands the judge a transcript to accompany a video of him chasing eddie down the street while swearing at him. the video is so shaky it’s making me sick, like seeing blair witch all over again, and i wish this dude would chill on the methamphetamines. at the end of the video eddie pulls a myles garrett (sorry i like sports!) and smashes jonathan’s car window with a motorcycle helmet, but this is after dude has been chasing him around with this wobbly ass camera cussing him out so much that all of the dialogue is one sustained beep and trying to provoke him to do exactly this. i’m not saying it’s right but i’m not not saying it’s right. they both get their judgments granted because all this bad behavior was caught on videotape, and i’m gonna look online for home security systems because wow it obviously comes in handy.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: after the first video, which ends with jonathan running away from eddie even though he showed up at dude’s crib trying to scare him with a goddamn dog, greg says, “man, why did you run away? you’re the one with the pitbull!”

*bangs gavel*

who's on judge mathis today? #28

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

the plaintiff: latoya from troy, alabama. royal blue top (dress?), black blazer, glasses. she looks incredibly serious.

the defendant: eddie from troy, alabama. eddie is wearing his best church suit, a dark grey number with a bright poppy red tie and a crisp white shirt. he is accompanied by his wife marlo, who is wearing a cotton candy pink button down and a skirt pulled up to her clavicle. boy i love nothing more than an article of clothing i can tuck my nipples into. she looks like she’s attending a funeral which, depending on the evidence presented in court against her husband, she may very well be.

the complaint: latoya and eddie both dated (ruh roh) and worked together, and he owes her money for a job she finished for him that he never paid her for.

what does she want: $2565 for car repairs, unpaid wages, and emotional distress. countersuit filed! eddie wants $2000 for emotional distress, which really just means “i’m suing you because you had the audacity to sue me, bitch.”

how it went down: latoya met eddie in 2013 through work, when she says he “relentlessly” started pursuing her. eddie says latoya was his girlfriend for five years, and during those five years she wasn’t faithful to him. latoya’s witness, who i didn’t even know was in the courtroom, starts shouting “you’re a liar!” at eddie and greg immediately has her escorted out. i always forget that the bailiff is there bailiffing, just waiting for someone to act up so he can bailiff all over them. (in this case that means gently escorting latoya’s mom/sister/friend right up out this makeshift courtroom.) greg asks eddie the timeline of his five year relationship with latoya and he hems and haws then oohs and ahhs and we all know what that means: there’s some motherfucking overlap between these ladies standing here today and he’s not trying to get either beat down or divorced.

eddie claims he can’t remember the dates of their courtship because latoya hit him in the head with a cinderblock and that messed up his memory. [sigh] i’m not proud of this, but, i just had to google “cinderblock” to see what one looks like so i know exactly what we’re dealing with here. bitch, don’t make that face at me, i’m not chip gaines! i don’t have an encyclopedic knowledge of masonry tools! anyway, cinderblocks look like serious business and i wouldn’t want to be struck in the softest part of my arm with one let alone my fucking head, but also where the fuck were they at that she had one available to even hit him with? did she have to pause the argument like “hold up a second, let’s finish this fight at that construction site around the corner.”

latoya says that the relationship was just sexual and she kept trying to end it but his lust for her was just too strong. she filed a police report and she put up a no trespassing sign! (at this point, latoya pulls out an actual “no trespassing” sign from her accordion of truth™ to present to judge mathis as evidence and greg absolutely loses his shit.) doyle the bailiff collects the police report from latoya and the judge reads it and it’s real. eddie can’t gather himself to give a verbal response so he hands the bailiff his statement, which greg reads aloud. basically eddie says he was fixing the radiator on latoya’s car, she started yelling at him at the same time her sister pulled a gun on him, at which point he noticed his shoes were untied so he bent down to tie them (IN FRONT OF A BITCH WITH A GUN???) and when he did she clocked him with the cinderblock. what in the world?!

the ruling: ok so we come back from commercial break and latoya says that eddie had asked her to do some sheetrock work with him (i’m not looking any more shit up lest all my targeted ads end up being for carhartt shirts and industrial strength hammers or whatever, but at least this explains that cinderblock shit) that he was supposed to pay her $800 for and never did. he also promised to fix a car for her and she is suing him for that, but greg says the “promise of a gift” isn’t binding. GOOD TO KNOW. eddie says that latoya never finished the job, which is why he never paid her. latoya says that eddie never finished his part of the job, and since he was the boss it’s not on her.

greg asks eddie about his countersuit, and eddie says he wants money for pain and suffering because since latoya hit him with the cinderblock (i don’t think we’ve established that she actually did?) he’s had headaches and memory loss, and he hands greg a doctor’s note. (sidebar: this is maybe the most evidence i have ever seen in a judge mathis case? there’s no trespassing signs and police reports and witness statements and doctor’s notes: a veritable cornucopia of printed-off sheets of kinko’s finest computer paper!) oh okay then greg asks latoya if she did it (i should be a lawyer man, i’m getting good at this) and she admits to throwing a cinderblock at eddie but says that it was in self-defense because he put his hands on her during an argument. latoya says the cinderblocking occurred in november, but eddie’s medical note is dated in march. also, the doctor wrote that he had a “neck and back strain typical of a car accident.” PLOT TWIST. you guys! pretty please skim your paperwork! at the very least!! the judge dismisses both claims, chalking this whole mess up to relationship game-playing. i agree. i’m emotionally distressed just watching this nonsense. where’s my goddamn settlement?!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: at the end marlo finally speaks, saying that ever since she’s been with eddie latoya has been at the periphery of their lives: driving by her house, calling her daughter at work, etc. greg tells the bailiff to give her latoya’s no trespassing sign, saying, “you see what she presented when he kept coming around? now that she keeps coming around you? you need this!”

*bangs gavel*

who's on judge mathis today? #27

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

the plaintiff: janet from rochester, new york. goddamn it, my sister looks fly: all white outfit topped by a cream colored blazer, hoop earrings, curly weave, ACCORDION OF TRUTH.

the defendant: randell from rochester, new york. big and tall, a little smattering of facial hair, a maroon sweater vest over a shirt and tie.

the complaint: janet says she dated randell despite the fact that he is eleven years younger than she is, he maintains that they were nothing more than friends. they got this old middle school biology teacher who does the intro saying when he cheated she “kicked him to the curb,” and i’m fucking screaming. JUST SAY BROKE UP, MORTIMER. she lent him $500 and he never paid her back.

what does she want: $500 for an unpaid loan

how it went down: janet has known randell for 12-13 years, and they dated despite her being leery of him due to their age difference. is 11 years a lot of years when you are 35+ years old? that’s a real question. i’m 39 right now, and if a 50 year old wanted to date me i’d be like “yo, saddle up.” on the flip side, would i date someone 28? probably not, but that’s mostly because i don’t want to explain why my rain-indicating knee is preventing me from going outside today. janet says randell showed her a lot of respect and was very gentlemanly to her, so she agreed to date him. then he had a baby with another woman while they were together, and i’ll be right back i just gotta go find my reading glasses so i can look up “gentleman” and “respect” in the dictionary i keep next to my recliner.

janet let the baby slide and they continued their relationship, but then randell had another baby ( ! ) and she finally broke up with him. wait, but then after the breakup they were friends with benefits. janet wyd?! man i wish i could sprinkle some of this aquarian ambivalence on people who need it. i am bad at absolutely everything except walking away from a bad situation. what is the benefit of fucking this particular friend, babe? he doesn’t have time for sex, he’s got two small children who you didn’t give birth to to earn a living for!

randell says that they never really had a romance, that “friends with benefits” is closer to the truth of their relationship for the entire time they’ve known each other. when greg asks why, randell says it’s because janet was “fiery” and when she doesn’t get her way she’ll “spazz out on you.” listen, i’m not victim blaming, but nobody is spazzing on anybody in a true ~friends with benefits~ situation, because what is there to get mad about? you come over, i stick my hand in your pants while we both watch tv in silence, then the next day you drop me off at the grocery store because it’s raining and i don’t feel like waiting for the bus: that’s what friends do! but if i get off christian mingle dot com because i think we’re in a serious relationship and you turn up on my doorstep one day with a bundle of joy the stork just dropped off at your crib then guess what, bro? I’M SPAZZING OUT.

the ruling: janet lent randell $500 on march 27, and he promised to return the money on april 19. she says he talked to her every single day right up until the day the money was due then disappeared on her. she called him on the 19th and said, “hey, what’s up, you got my money? today’s the 19th so today is payday,” and he flipped out and said she was being disrespectful. man, i hate bill collectors, too. randell told janet he didn’t have her money because he has bills to pay (welcome to the club, sir) but he could spare fifty dollars. i believe what she did next was, uhh how do you say it?, oh yeah: SPAZZ THE FUCK OUT. put a zero on that fifty dollars, friend, because that’s what the fuck you owe her! janet says the last time she asked him to pay her back he replied “take me to court!” that is a threat that i, too, like to make, because most of the time people won’t do it. clearly janet is not most people.

randell claims that he tried to pay janet a portion of the money he owed her, and she refused it then cussed him out because she wanted the entire amount she was owed. he then said he wasn’t going to pay her because she’d cussed him out, which is not a legal defense even though it probably should be. randell asks “how many people want to pay somebody who cursed them out?” and judge mathis is quick to respond “if you paid her her money on time, you wouldn’t have got cussed out!” ain’t that the fucking truth. JUDGMENT FOR THE PLAINTIFF.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “your friendship wasn’t enough, or your benefits weren’t enough, otherwise she wouldn’t be suing you!”

*bangs gavel*

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